My dad actually took initiative to contact me last week. It was quite the shock, since there was no holiday and thus out of the ordinary for me to receive a phone call. Initially I thought that someone had died or was in the hospital or some random family emergency, but thankfully that thought pattern was proved wrong. Maybe my dad is finally beginning to realize how important family should be. I'm still not quite sure what to think of it all, but I suppose it's good.
After spending a weekend in Vegas with Nicki and Mommer's I am feeling quite refreshed. It was a much needed time away from working non stop. It went by super fast, but it was still relaxing.
Uncle Jay and Aunt Lori welcomed Jaedon's baby sister into the world on July 21st. It was quite a stressful first few days as baby Charisma spent the time in the neonatal
unit. She is home and doing very well now though, and is such a cute baby.
Speaking of the baby front, Michelle is pregnant again, with kid 6 this time. Pray that she can make it past the first trimester this year, as she had a miscarriage last summer. Unfortunately I won't be around any more when the new baby is born, so whoever the new sitter is will get the joys of a new baby. Although, that also isn't all that bad of a deal for me, I mean 5 kids is enough of a handful. I've been with them for 10 years, so it will be strange to no longer be around to watch the kids continue growing up.
I will finally be done with school in December, if all goes according to planned on that front. From there I will be heading west to find out what the resort industry has to offer me. The jury is still out as to which resort I will land at, but should be determined by Oct. I am extremely excited about this opportunity. Although I have some people who think I should get a media industry job and use my degree right away, while just working the ski industry part time, I know that I would just regret that decision for the rest of my life if I don't take my chance now to explore and have fun. I am doing what I need to do for me this time, and as much as different people want to try and influence me otherwise, I am not budging in my decision to take time for me and follow my dreams. I need it so that maybe I can finally begin to heal. I have a period of separation from everything Cornerstone related, and that even means using a degree that I have worked so hard for.
12 July 2007
15 May 2007
Post-Mother's Day Thoughts
This has been my fourth Mother's day without my mom. It definitely hasn't gotten any easier over the years either. In fact, I dare to say that it has gotten more difficult to make it through the day without breaking down. For the first few years, I was still in denial that anything had even happened and pretended that life was just like it always had been. Sure there would be those days when I would just want to call mom and tell her something, or be like "Oh, I should ask mom, she would know the answer." Those were the days I would remember that this wasn't a dream any more, but shortly after the thought went through my head, I would make myself for get about it. I didn't want to think about that, I didn't want to think about being alone, I didn't want to think about the pain. I would just bury it deep inside me and not let anyone have a clue of how much I was hurting, not even myself. Three years is a long time to be stuck in denial, but that's where I was. This year has been different though. I've been angry a lot. It's been good though. I've begun to realize that although I have been thrown a curve ball, I can still catch it. I would have run away from Mother's day this year, if I wouldn't have felt obligated to participate in the festivities with my Grandma. I know Mother's day is hard on her now too, so I knew that I needed to be there, even if I didn't want to be. I don't know that there will ever be a Mother's Day that I won't struggle through, but maybe someday I will gain the strength to face it head on, despite the pain that it brings. This mothers day will probably be my last one for quite some time. I am getting better at facing the tears, but it was just too much too soon for me. This was the first mothers day that has brought me tears, but it was also the first mothers day after taking the first steps on the road of grieving. I can't stand in denial anymore. I need to keep moving, keep growing and keep grieving.
"The Thief"
by Relient K
I guess it's safe to say you're never coming back
And I understand why you wouldn't want to
I guess it's up to me to find a way to get to you
And I can't see you
Getting used to
Living in the midst of your perfection
And I'm so lost
How can you trust
Somewhere the sun is always shining
And there's just one last thing that I have to say
As we reflect on the mess of all this that I've made
It was cowardice that made me push you away
I was so afraid cause you were so much better than me
"The Thief"
by Relient K
I guess it's safe to say you're never coming back
And I understand why you wouldn't want to
I guess it's up to me to find a way to get to you
And I can't see you
Getting used to
Living in the midst of your perfection
And I'm so lost
How can you trust
Somewhere the sun is always shining
And there's just one last thing that I have to say
As we reflect on the mess of all this that I've made
It was cowardice that made me push you away
I was so afraid cause you were so much better than me
09 May 2007
Welcome Home Nigel
Nigel has returned home safe! He's been home for just over a week and driving better than I can ever remember. I'm still looking for a new mode of transportation, but Nigel will probably be sticking around 'till end of summer. He's been a good jeep to me. He's been under my care for 4.5 years, and hasn't had to make many unscheduled shop visits, so that is always a blessing.
15 April 2007
for Ami!
Since I don't feel like reading about media history anymore, I will do a quick update.
On Nigel:
The grandparents are home, so I will now be able to determine the demise of Nigel. However, the official decision will probably not take place or after May 5. Grandpa brought a transfer case home from AL with them, so that will be getting fixed. However, Nigel will still be in need of a radiator. Grandpa decided that he isn't worth any money if he won't run, so he has to be fixed either way. Would he sell for more than we are putting into him, who knows. Probably since he is a jeep and is still pretty mechanically sound. So even though he is getting fixed, that doesn't mean that I will be keeping him. So basically a new car isn't out of the question yet. I will still be driving the PT bruiser until may 5, well actually probably til May 7 at the latest, so check with me closer to then and I will know where Nigel's fate lies.
On School:
Almost done with the semester. I am still not sure if when I will be graduating. I am still pending the decision on 2 courses. If everything works out I will be graduating in December, if not than not until May. Which would not be cool since I would only have 1 class to take during the Spring semester.I also have some possible opportunities with Compass, but I will not say more on that until they become more solidified. As of right now it looks like I will have the summer off from classes, which will be nice for a change, since I haven't had a real break from school since sophomore summer. Which was way to long ago. My brain is getting burnt out and is having a hard time with memory recall when it comes to reading and test taking.
On living:
I am still in my apartment until the end of July. I don't think I will stay there after my lease is up because I am struggling to afford it on my own. I have a several different options for living arrangements, of which I haven't decided which one I am going to go with yet. I could live with 5 other girls, but we don't have a house yet and I am not holding my breath that the plan will actually become a reality. I also have the option to live where I did last summer, however there will be a newborn in the house, and I am not sure that I am up to that challenge. Another option is to live with the people I nanny for, but in a 3 bedroom house with 5 kids it is kinda cramped as it is, so I don't think I would be comfortable living there. I could also live with a friend who is currently also living on her own, and although that probably seems the most ideal of the options so far, I would really want to think it over before I did that. I don't want to put a strain on that friendship or ruin it because we are living together. I could also move home, since at this point I only have classes 2 days a week next semester, however I am still planning on working in Grand Rapids on the other 5 days, so that would be a great deal of driving. So although I have many options, I am not entirely sold on any of them and am still unsure of what I want to do.
On work:
Working 3 jobs is quite tiring at times but it is also a challenge and keeps me out of trouble for the most part. I love working at the TV station. Things are kinda slowing down there for right now, and will probably be fairly slow until football season. I have picked up the weekend shifts now, so at least I am getting some steady hours. I have also been given the task of creating a promotional piece for the station. I guess my classes will be paying off some with that.
My five boys keep me going on the days that I am not at the station. Let me tell you, they are a handful! If I never have kids, they will be the ones to blame. I love 'em all though. How could I not? They keep life interesting and are so gosh darn cute when they decide to obey.
Cornerstone is Cornerstone. Frustrating sometimes, thrilling other times. It gets old being the only one that knows how to do everything and is good at problem solving. I have decided that I hang out in CAMS way to much when I am not actually working a shift. This wouldn't be an issue except that I usually end up doing work stuff even when I am not working because I feel guilty ignoring customers who know I work there just because I am not clocked in. I guess thats my hospitality side that kicks in, surprising it is still there.
On family:
Well the grandparents just got back from AL, but I probably won't see them until after finals. Things are just too busy right now. Still don't talk to my brother. Maybe God will soften his heart (and mine) soon, but if He doesn't, I have accepted the fact that I will probably never have a strong relationship with my brother. My little sister is graduating from MSU this semester, so that is pretty exciting. I talk to my dad on rare occasion, sometimes I wish I had a better relationship with him, but I also feel like I don't have anything to talk to him about since I barely know the man. Joel is great, not much else to say about other than I foresee him sticking around for quite a while.
In the coming weeks:
I have a few editing projects to finish up and the 24hr FilmFest next weekend. I am also working on getting a short film and feature length film script completed, both of which I need to have done within the next few weeks. So with 4 major projects, I won't have much time for anything else for a few weeks.
Hopefully that is a good enough update for now!
On Nigel:
The grandparents are home, so I will now be able to determine the demise of Nigel. However, the official decision will probably not take place or after May 5. Grandpa brought a transfer case home from AL with them, so that will be getting fixed. However, Nigel will still be in need of a radiator. Grandpa decided that he isn't worth any money if he won't run, so he has to be fixed either way. Would he sell for more than we are putting into him, who knows. Probably since he is a jeep and is still pretty mechanically sound. So even though he is getting fixed, that doesn't mean that I will be keeping him. So basically a new car isn't out of the question yet. I will still be driving the PT bruiser until may 5, well actually probably til May 7 at the latest, so check with me closer to then and I will know where Nigel's fate lies.
On School:
Almost done with the semester. I am still not sure if when I will be graduating. I am still pending the decision on 2 courses. If everything works out I will be graduating in December, if not than not until May. Which would not be cool since I would only have 1 class to take during the Spring semester.I also have some possible opportunities with Compass, but I will not say more on that until they become more solidified. As of right now it looks like I will have the summer off from classes, which will be nice for a change, since I haven't had a real break from school since sophomore summer. Which was way to long ago. My brain is getting burnt out and is having a hard time with memory recall when it comes to reading and test taking.
On living:
I am still in my apartment until the end of July. I don't think I will stay there after my lease is up because I am struggling to afford it on my own. I have a several different options for living arrangements, of which I haven't decided which one I am going to go with yet. I could live with 5 other girls, but we don't have a house yet and I am not holding my breath that the plan will actually become a reality. I also have the option to live where I did last summer, however there will be a newborn in the house, and I am not sure that I am up to that challenge. Another option is to live with the people I nanny for, but in a 3 bedroom house with 5 kids it is kinda cramped as it is, so I don't think I would be comfortable living there. I could also live with a friend who is currently also living on her own, and although that probably seems the most ideal of the options so far, I would really want to think it over before I did that. I don't want to put a strain on that friendship or ruin it because we are living together. I could also move home, since at this point I only have classes 2 days a week next semester, however I am still planning on working in Grand Rapids on the other 5 days, so that would be a great deal of driving. So although I have many options, I am not entirely sold on any of them and am still unsure of what I want to do.
On work:
Working 3 jobs is quite tiring at times but it is also a challenge and keeps me out of trouble for the most part. I love working at the TV station. Things are kinda slowing down there for right now, and will probably be fairly slow until football season. I have picked up the weekend shifts now, so at least I am getting some steady hours. I have also been given the task of creating a promotional piece for the station. I guess my classes will be paying off some with that.
My five boys keep me going on the days that I am not at the station. Let me tell you, they are a handful! If I never have kids, they will be the ones to blame. I love 'em all though. How could I not? They keep life interesting and are so gosh darn cute when they decide to obey.
Cornerstone is Cornerstone. Frustrating sometimes, thrilling other times. It gets old being the only one that knows how to do everything and is good at problem solving. I have decided that I hang out in CAMS way to much when I am not actually working a shift. This wouldn't be an issue except that I usually end up doing work stuff even when I am not working because I feel guilty ignoring customers who know I work there just because I am not clocked in. I guess thats my hospitality side that kicks in, surprising it is still there.
On family:
Well the grandparents just got back from AL, but I probably won't see them until after finals. Things are just too busy right now. Still don't talk to my brother. Maybe God will soften his heart (and mine) soon, but if He doesn't, I have accepted the fact that I will probably never have a strong relationship with my brother. My little sister is graduating from MSU this semester, so that is pretty exciting. I talk to my dad on rare occasion, sometimes I wish I had a better relationship with him, but I also feel like I don't have anything to talk to him about since I barely know the man. Joel is great, not much else to say about other than I foresee him sticking around for quite a while.
In the coming weeks:
I have a few editing projects to finish up and the 24hr FilmFest next weekend. I am also working on getting a short film and feature length film script completed, both of which I need to have done within the next few weeks. So with 4 major projects, I won't have much time for anything else for a few weeks.
Hopefully that is a good enough update for now!
03 April 2007
Nigel
I would like to announce that Nigel is currently on bed rest. He incurred a serious injury on Sunday morning while traveling down the freeway. Some loud clunking and banging ensued, accompanied by large amounts of smoke. This left Erika stranded on the shoulder of a somewhat busy freeway for several hours longer than she had desired and a hefty towing bill. Nigel is suffering from a blown transfer case (the extension of the transmission that controls how many wheels he drives on). Unfortunately his life may not be spared from this injury. The decision on whether he heads into surgery will be made in 2 weeks. In the meantime I will be cheating on him with a grandma car. At the end of his holding period I will have to make the decision to keep him around or find a suitable replacement. At this point it is looking like I will need to be in the search of suitable replacement.
25 March 2007
a constant fight with myself
I don't know what is going on in my head anymore. I want so much more, but I don't know what it is that I want. I know I want to love others, but I don't know if I even can remember how to do that. I want to be God's daughter, but what does that even look like. I want to graduate, but I want to learn so much more. I want to make the most out of each day, but I fight myself just to get out of bed. I have to force myself to go to chapel, to go to class, and even to talk to my friends. There are so many people that I want to say something to, that I want to continue relationships or rebuild relationships, but I just don't know how. I want to be real, I want to be me, but I'm not even sure who that is anymore. The real me has been hidden behind walls in my heart for so long that I don't even know if she can ever come out in the light again. I want to be comfortable being sad around friends, but I have never been able to bring myself to do that. I feel like I will be letting them down if I do. I am sick of putting on this mask every morning when I wake up, and sick of only being able to take it off when I am alone. I used to be able to cry around my mom. I don't have that anymore. I just want to be able to cry in front of someone again. I want to be real. I want people to see that there is more to me than what meets the eye. I want to feel joy again. I want to grieve. I want to be able to tell my dad what I really think of him. I want to tell him that he let me down. I want to tell him that it doesn't seem like he cares about anyone other than himself. I want to hear that he is proud of me and that he loves me. I don't think I've ever genuinely had him say that, and I long so much to hear my Daddy tell me that I make him proud. I want to hug my mom and tell her I love her. Tell her that I am sorry for all the pain I caused her. Tell her that I appreciate all the things she gave up for me. I wish I had a second chance to do that, but I don't and it hurts. I am so sick of keeping myself hidden from my friends. I dont feel like I have anyone that truly knows who I am anymore. I want to let myself out of the prison I have created, but I don't know how. I want someone that will force me to set myself free, but I know that it's something that I have to force myself to do.
20 March 2007
I guess it's fitting that I'm a mac lover
You Are a Mac |
 You are creative, stylish, and super trendy. You demand the best - even if it costs an arm and a leg. |
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