21 January 2006
Time continues on
It's been two years and I thought I would be fine this year. I worked open til close on sunday, and it was fairly busy so the thought of my mom didn't really cross my mind. I still haven't made it to the cemetary to see the headstone. I can't explain it, but I just haven't been able to bring myself to do it. I don't know if I ever will be able to. Everyone else in my family seems to be fine with the cemetary, but for me I just can't seem to gain enough strength to do it. For anyone else's funeral it's not a problem, but it's different when it's your mom.The weird thing is that I was the main designer of the headstone, so you would think that seeing it in person would be no different. I feel like I should go, I want to go, but I just can't. Sunday itself didn't faze me. I mean I realized it was the anniversary, but it was just like any other day. Wednesday, however, was different. I don't know why wednesday was the day that bothered me, but it was. I had gotten up early for a film makers discussion panel at school, then had to drive home after that so I could head into work. It had snowed heavily the night before, so the roads still hadn't been fully cleared. Things were moving along quite well through the hour drive until the highway exit before I had to get off to head into work. In that 2-3 mile span there were 5-7 cars/semi-trucks in the ditch. It was then that it hit me. I couldn't stop my eyes from welling up with tears. I think seeing all those vehicles in the ditch was God's way of reminding me that life is short, and that although you may not be doing anything wrong, there are other factors involved outside of your control. I can't help but think I could have changed the course of that day. Friends always tell me it wasn't my fault, and that may be true, but a difference decision on my part could have changed the course of that day and the rest of my life. I could have been nicer to Mom, I could have done alot of things differently. I didn't though, and now I've missed the chance to change the way things were. I loved my mom more than anything, even though I didn't always act like it. I cherish the memories I have of her and I miss her like crazy.
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4 comments:
Friend you are stronger than i could ever dream to be. You have a terrible burden to face and there is nothing you could have done to change it. She is in a better place, and she knew you loved her and she can look down and see that so much. We should talk again and have chai. Take care and you know my number if you want to talk.
that was Ryan btw
Erika, I have found you.. Or your blog at least. I too have lost a parent, and even though each story is different and feelings and situations aren't exactly the same, I feel that we do share a commonality that I wish we could've discussed more whilst in LA.
That all being said, one thing where we for sure are on the same page is our pure disgust for this so-called "editing program" we have to suffer through called avid.
why it's even on the market, much less in the school system is beyond me.
ah well.
hope you are doing great.
What? I didn't know the Cluka lost a parent. Maybe I did, I remember something briefly, but it's not like she wore it on her sleeve. And you never wore it on your sleeve either, Peas. You strong woman you.
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