I did it

I finally took that leap and went to visit mom's grave. I knew that I needed to do it, but I would always come up with some excuse as to why I couldnt do it whenever I would have time. It was just something I had to do on my own. I managed to dodge going on memorial day with my grandparents to put flowers there. I just wasn't ready to yet. Although, I'm not sure that anyone in my family realizes that I hadn't yet been able to bring my self to face seeing a gravestone with her name on it. I pratically grew up at the funeral home and that cemetary, I would shoud this time be any different. It has been though. I never thought death could effect me so much. I always knew it to just be a part of life and I would go to the viewings/funeral and a few days later be fine. I never expected to still be struggling through life dealing with a death 2 years down the road. It's taken its toll on me, but I'm getting to the point where I am fully ready to face it head on. As I started pulling into the cemetary I could feel the tears start to come as my throat began to tighten. I wanted so desperately to back out of the cemetary, turn around and go home. I knew I couldn't do that though. If I didn't face it now, it would only make matters worse. I pulled around the road in the cemetary until I made it to the area where her headstone is. I sat there a while just staring straight ahead. What was I doing. I really didn't want to be there. I didn't want to face reality. I knew I had to though, so I continued on. Opening the door, I stumbled out of my jeep and pulled myself to where her stone. I couldnt bring myself to look at it. I just stood there looking straight ahead right in front of her grave. I couldn't look down. I couldn't read what it said. I then bent over and started cleaning the dead leaves away from around the flowers. That was the most I could do. I then stood back up, without even looking at the headstone, got back in my car and drove away. Although I still couldnt bear to look at it, I know that I made a start. I took the first steps in being able to face reality. Maybe someday I will truly be able to visit her grave without anything holding me back. It could be sometime soon, but then again it might not be for another 20 years.