a constant fight with myself

I don't know what is going on in my head anymore. I want so much more, but I don't know what it is that I want. I know I want to love others, but I don't know if I even can remember how to do that. I want to be God's daughter, but what does that even look like. I want to graduate, but I want to learn so much more. I want to make the most out of each day, but I fight myself just to get out of bed. I have to force myself to go to chapel, to go to class, and even to talk to my friends. There are so many people that I want to say something to, that I want to continue relationships or rebuild relationships, but I just don't know how. I want to be real, I want to be me, but I'm not even sure who that is anymore. The real me has been hidden behind walls in my heart for so long that I don't even know if she can ever come out in the light again. I want to be comfortable being sad around friends, but I have never been able to bring myself to do that. I feel like I will be letting them down if I do. I am sick of putting on this mask every morning when I wake up, and sick of only being able to take it off when I am alone. I used to be able to cry around my mom. I don't have that anymore. I just want to be able to cry in front of someone again. I want to be real. I want people to see that there is more to me than what meets the eye. I want to feel joy again. I want to grieve. I want to be able to tell my dad what I really think of him. I want to tell him that he let me down. I want to tell him that it doesn't seem like he cares about anyone other than himself. I want to hear that he is proud of me and that he loves me. I don't think I've ever genuinely had him say that, and I long so much to hear my Daddy tell me that I make him proud. I want to hug my mom and tell her I love her. Tell her that I am sorry for all the pain I caused her. Tell her that I appreciate all the things she gave up for me. I wish I had a second chance to do that, but I don't and it hurts. I am so sick of keeping myself hidden from my friends. I dont feel like I have anyone that truly knows who I am anymore. I want to let myself out of the prison I have created, but I don't know how. I want someone that will force me to set myself free, but I know that it's something that I have to force myself to do.