Post-Mother's Day Thoughts

This has been my fourth Mother's day without my mom. It definitely hasn't gotten any easier over the years either. In fact, I dare to say that it has gotten more difficult to make it through the day without breaking down. For the first few years, I was still in denial that anything had even happened and pretended that life was just like it always had been. Sure there would be those days when I would just want to call mom and tell her something, or be like "Oh, I should ask mom, she would know the answer." Those were the days I would remember that this wasn't a dream any more, but shortly after the thought went through my head, I would make myself for get about it. I didn't want to think about that, I didn't want to think about being alone, I didn't want to think about the pain. I would just bury it deep inside me and not let anyone have a clue of how much I was hurting, not even myself. Three years is a long time to be stuck in denial, but that's where I was. This year has been different though. I've been angry a lot. It's been good though. I've begun to realize that although I have been thrown a curve ball, I can still catch it. I would have run away from Mother's day this year, if I wouldn't have felt obligated to participate in the festivities with my Grandma. I know Mother's day is hard on her now too, so I knew that I needed to be there, even if I didn't want to be. I don't know that there will ever be a Mother's Day that I won't struggle through, but maybe someday I will gain the strength to face it head on, despite the pain that it brings. This mothers day will probably be my last one for quite some time. I am getting better at facing the tears, but it was just too much too soon for me. This was the first mothers day that has brought me tears, but it was also the first mothers day after taking the first steps on the road of grieving. I can't stand in denial anymore. I need to keep moving, keep growing and keep grieving.

"The Thief"
by Relient K
I guess it's safe to say you're never coming back
And I understand why you wouldn't want to
I guess it's up to me to find a way to get to you

And I can't see you
Getting used to
Living in the midst of your perfection
And I'm so lost
How can you trust
Somewhere the sun is always shining

And there's just one last thing that I have to say
As we reflect on the mess of all this that I've made
It was cowardice that made me push you away
I was so afraid cause you were so much better than me